ON HER FIRST DAY IN KINDERGARTEN
Parked near your school, I got off the passenger seat of our car. I opened the door beside you and put on a happy face. “It’s going to be fun!!!” I said as I showed you how excited I was. And then I felt my tears about to fall, my voice started trembling. I didn’t want you to see me cry. I turned my back away from you. Daddy got you out of your car seat as I tried to wiped away my tears. You held my hand as soon as you got off the car.
As we walked towards your school, I kept fighting the tears that kept falling down my cheeks. They were stubborn. I kept thinking happy thoughts so I’d stop crying, but every time I looked at you or feel your hand holding mine, the tears just freely fell. I pretended that my allergy was terrible that morning so you wouldn’t know how scared I was. As we get near the vicinity of your school, I realized THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING. You are a Kindergartener now. There is no stopping it. There is no slowing it down. I know it was bound to happen as soon as you turned 5 last month. But still, I wasn’t prepared for it.
For the past few months, I’ve been dreading this day. The day that you’d start to be independent. Without me. But always know that even if I am not with you, a piece of my heart will always be with you. In your classroom. In the cafeteria. In the playground. Everywhere.
As I walked out of your classroom crying, I prayed about you. The same prayer that I’ve been doing for the past few months. I prayed that you make new friends. That you find your people. I prayed that everyone you’d encounter is nice and kind. That your friends and teachers will see how special you are. I prayed that you will stand up for yourself and for your friends. That you will not be bullied or become a bully. I prayed that you never will feel that you don’t belong or make someone feel that. I prayed that you will always be kind, be strong, and be open to learn new things. I prayed that you will never lose your spark. I prayed so hard for Him to always guide you and keep you out of danger.
Today is also a day for me to learn something new. I must be strong enough to stop shielding (or wanting to sheild) you from all the heartaches that you will encounter for I know that they will make you stronger and wiser. Please know that when anything goes wrong, we (Daddy, Mommy, and your brother) are always here ready to listen and comfort you. We will get through everything together.
My heart is breaking right now as I say goodbye to my baby. But I know that you have to go through this. To learn new things. And to grow. So you can be the person you’re meant to be someday.
Today, I need to take the first step in letting you go. I need to set you free so you can spread your wings and fly. And just hope that I’ve taught you well. Even though I cannot seem to stop crying right now, please know that I look forward to all the adventures you and I will have.
Be brave my little Kindergartener! If you ever get scared, I hope you remember my voice telling you “It’s going to be okay.” And that you feel the warmth of my love to help you get through it.
I love you so much!